Most of the time when articles are written on marriage relationships, they focus on the need for husbands to get their head on straight and stop being an idiot, or as my wife, affectionately, calls me, a “big stupid head.” (For those of you who just gasped that she calls me that, it’s actually an inside joke that has evolved into a term of endearment). I think the reason most articles focus on this is because generally we husbands need a little extra tutoring in relationships, more so than wives, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t a few things wives can learn as well. Although I’m not a marriage expert, I am marriage experienced. I have been married for literally half of my life and have worked with dozens and dozens of couples in counseling for the past fourteen years. During that time, listening to his complaints and her complaints, I’ve noticed several things that a wife can do to greatly discourage her husband. We usually associate sensitivity and feelings with women, but men can just as easily be discouraged. A man’s wife has the power to elevate him to greatness and the greatest joy he can experience, or crush his spirit and bury him in discouragement. I don’t think any wife wants to be a source of discouragement to her husband, but here are five things you might be doing that can do just that. If you do any or all of these five things, you will certainly discourage your husband, making it harder for him to be the man and do the things that you and God want him to.
Apply double standards to your relationship. We usually focus on the double standards that exist between men and women. If a man sleeps around he’s a ladies man, but if a woman does she’s a tramp. A woman can do the same job as a man but get paid less money. Double standards exist between men and women and they aren’t fair and shouldn’t exist, whether in the business world, or in the marriage. How would you react if your husband talked about how hot an actress was or how hot her body is? You’d probably smack him or at least tell him he’s a pig. Yet for some reason many women find it acceptable, and assume their husbands do too, for them to “ooh and ahh” about a movie star’s sexy abs (usually while patting her husbands pot bell). Do you crack jokes about his weight or being out of shape? If he did the same thing to you it would devastate you, and it might be doing the same thing to him. Believe it or not, men often struggle with body image issues as much as women, although not as openly.
Do you label his attitude as pouting if he is discouraged or disappointed? How do you react when you don’t get your way? Do you joyously accept your state or do you sulk? Do you ever tell him at the last minute of your plans to go shopping with the girls, expecting him to understand? If so, then certainly you would be just as understanding about a spur of the moment golf outing with his buddies or a decision to go watch the game with friends. What’s good for the goose.....
Raise your voice or speak condescendingly. If he raises his voice and shouts at you he’s a bully. If you do the same thing, what does that make you? Don’t think just because he’s bigger and stronger its ok to “get in his face” when you are angry. While it may be true that other guys sometimes take this approach with your man, he at least has the option of going off on them in return. Not so with you. If you scream and yell at him he has to take it or risk being denounced as a neanderthal.
Just as damaging as screaming at your husband is talking down to him and being condescending or using a mocking tone. Just because you disagree with him, or even if he is wrong, you do not have the right to belittle him, and frankly, I can’t understand why you’d want to. When you do these things you essentially force him to choose between being a jerk or being emasculated. He can’t win either way and that discourages him.
Act as if sex with him is a terrible inconvenience for you and an earned and honored privilege for him. The sexual relationship between husbands and wives has always been a highly sensitive one and likely always will be. Generally, men and women have drastically different sex drives, and that can set the stage for problems. Sex may not even make the top five list of important things in your life, but it is likely the only thing on his top five list of important things. Do not make the foolish mistake of thinking his greatest needs and desires are less important that yours. Perhaps your greatest need is conversation, non-sexual affection, massages or having a clean house. How do you feel if these needs aren’t met? Frustrated, disappointed, angry, neglected, unappreciated or unloved? He feels the same way when his needs aren’t met. At least you can hire someone else or turn to someone else to meet your needs. He can only turn to you, and best of all, he wants to turn to you, which makes it all the more discouraging when you reject him. Keep in mind, biblically, he has every right to your body and part of your marriage commitment involves being available to him (and vice-versa, 1 Corinthians 7:3-5). The attitude Paul is promoting is not that you are a slave to one another, required to give your body to them at any time they desire it, but that your bodies are a gift to one another that you desire to give. The giving of your body is a gift of love and service.
It’s almost a given in our society (so much so that it is often the butt of jokes in movies and sitcoms) that the man better do everything just right all week and then cross him fingers that the stars align and nothing messes up the mood for him to have a chance to “get lucky” (that expression itself is very telling). Granted, a wife, especially if she’s a mother, has many demanding and exhausting, time consuming responsibilities, and a caring husband will be sensitive to this fact. Resentment can set in when he sees all of these other things being taken care of, yet his needs being ignored. Apart from God, your husband is your number one priority in life. As much as your children need you, they will one day leave you. Your husband will be your partner for life. If your children are hungry you might not be able at that instant to feed them, but you would certainly make it a priority to satisfy their hunger as soon as possible, should your husband not receive the same consideration? He wants to feel wanted and desired as much as you do. Ask yourself how you would feel if you indicated to him that you wanted to make love, only to have him complain about why he didn’t want to, ignore your request or just plain reject you? Your answer to that question may help you understand why he acts the way he does when he is rejected.
Don’t trust him to take care of what he’s responsible for. The argument usually goes something like this. He says, “Stop treating me like I’m a child.” She says, “Stop acting like a child and I won’t have to.” So who’s right? Sorry ladies, but in this case, he is. That’s not to say it’s ok for a husband to act like a child, only that it isn’t ok for you to treat your husband like a child. He is the head of the house (Ephesians 5:23) and you are to reverence him (Ephesians 5:33), not belittle him. While it is obviously difficult to do this when he is not fulfilling his responsibilities (love you as Christ loves the church, Ephesians 5:25), treating him as if he’s a child will certainly not help to elevate him to greater things. He may not know exactly hwo to be the leader God expects him to be, but deep down he longs for it and wants to be that man, THE man, your man. You can help him grow into that role by trusting him to take care of things. Even if he fails. Don’t use his failure as an opportunity to take the reigns back from him. How will he ever learn to lead if he isn’t given the chance to? When you are afraid you can’t trust him to handle things, trust Him to handle things. He may fail miserably at times, but remember that failing is often the strongest motivator for not failing again. If it’s his responsibility to do it, trust him to get it done and if he fails, let him know that you are still standing behind him, not looking down on him.
Boss him around and tell him what to do. Around age thirteen, or whenever testosterone begins to flow in his blood, little boys who previously hung on mommy’s every word, suddenly start to “bow up.” If you’re not familiar with that term, it means they suddenly don’t like a girl, any girl, telling them what to do. (Don’t lose heart, they usually start challenging dad as the authority figure in the house around this time too). The irony is, they will soon meet a really pretty girl and do anything she says, marry her and then start to resent whenever she tells him what to do (see why marriage is so complicated?). Of all the ways to discourage your husband, this one may be the most powerful. Like so many of the previously mentioned discouraging acts, this one can be avoided by considering how you like to be treated. I doubt you would respond any better to being bossed and told what you are or are not going to do. You might go along with it, and he might too, but at what cost? Rather than telling him what you want, demand or expect, try simply asking nicely and being polite. Instead of saying something like, “Go get my purse,” simply changing it to, “Will you go get my purse?” can change his attitude drastically.
