I Hate Myself And Want To Die

     Wow, that title really gets your attention doesn't it? Actually that isn't my title. I lifted it from a Nirvana song from 1993. At the time of recording Nirvana lead singer Kurt Cobain insisted the song was just a joke, an example of dark humor and not to be taken literally or even seriously. Maybe so, but the sad reality is one year later he would kill himself with a shotgun. At the time of his suicide he was the biggest rock star on the planet with a wife, a little girl and more money than he could spend. Nirvana was my generations Beatles and I can remember vividly where I was when I heard he was dead. My girlfriend (now wife) and I were in my car sitting at a red light beside the Killen Church of Christ in Killen, Alabama, on our way back home to Pulaski from a long weekend in Tupelo. It came over the radio that he had been found dead at his home in Seattle. What would make a guy who seems to have it all, hate himself and want to die? The same thing that makes millions of other people feel the same way......depression.
     Depression is a topic we'd rather not talk about. It makes us uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. But did you realize over 1 million people commit suicide worldwide every year? For those under 45 it is the third leading cause of death. Additionally some 20 million suicide attempts occur every year. That means every 40 seconds someone is attempting suicide somewhere in the world. Truth is, I'd rather not talk about it, but after this past weekend I feel like I'm a negligent Christian, parent and human being if I don't.
     This past weekend I was a part of the Y.E.S. Weekend (http://www.forrestpark.org/YES/index.htm) at the Forrest Park Church of Christ where we worship in Valdosta. Each year, for the past 27 years, around 1,000 people, predominantly teens, come together for this Youth Enrichment Seminar. Each year I am humbled by the confessions of the dozens of teens who respond to the Lord's invitation for help, strength, forgiveness, courage, etc. They are trying to live godly lives in a very ungodly world. This year, was different. There were still dozens of kids who responded, but their confessions were much different than what I have heard before. Around half of the kids who responded mentioned: loneliness, low self-esteem, hurting themselves (i.e. cutting, burning, etc), addictions, suicide attempts or thoughts, hating themselves and depression. As I listened I sat and cried. I kept asking myself how have we missed this so badly? How is it that so many of these children are hurting so terribly and we haven't even noticed? I think there are a couple of reasons why.
     #1 - We are embarrassed to talk about it. Depression is an ugly, scary subject that makes us very uncomfortable. Although views about mental illness have improved drastically from the dark ages of the 1960's and before, it is still very much a social stigma. We are embarrassed  by it, ashamed of it and largely consider it a weakness, a flaw or just being overly dramatic. I don't know why. Would we judge a diabetic as weak or flawed because their pancreas doesn't work like it should and they have to take meds and see an Endocrinologist? So we keep it quiet if someone in our family has to see a therapist or counselor, much less has to be admitted to a facility. "What will people think?" Who cares what they think! You don't think "people" already "think" a lot of things about us? Part of the problem is worrying more about what people think than what can we do to help the person who is ill to get better. I have never seen a greater demonstration of bravery than I saw this weekend when those children confessed before 1,000 people, most of whom were strangers to them, "I hate myself and want to die." I'll tell you flat out, I don't have that kind of courage. Most of the time I'm too afraid to tell my own family what I'm struggling with. God bless those kids for being so strong. You are now my heroes. A funny thing happened after they spoke up about what they were going through. They were mobbed with support. I sat back and watched for ten minutes as people, many of them strangers, waited in line just to hug them, speak a word of encouragement, and cry with them. It was one of the most beautiful things I've seen in my 38 years in the church. I saw the church as it ought to be. "That there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together" (1 Corinthians 12:25-26). Oh I'm sure there were those who whispered, laughed or thought they were weak, but that's their problem. There will always be people like that, just like there will always be people who are still convinced the earth is flat, but thankfully those are in the minority and it should be the same with those who would look down on another for their struggles. The haters voices were drowned out by the overwhelming support. (By the way, here is a great resource you might turn to if you are to afraid to speak up yet or don't feel you have anyone to turn to: http://thelightnetwork.tv/tag/juniper/  and http://anomalousjaney.blogspot.com I don't personally know her, but we have met once, and she is one of the most courageous people I know simply for creating this podcast and blog).
     #2 - We can't relate to what they are talking about. I have hated myself for long periods of time. I have self medicated. I have hurt myself. I have been depressed. I have been very depressed, but I don't suffer from depression (in the clinical sense). Most of us have felt those things and maybe even struggled with them some, but most of us are not clinically depressed and because of that we don't understand what it's like. It's not that we don't care or that we aren't trying, but we just can't relate to what someone who does is feeling. I don't know what it feels like to want to die or to want to kill myself. I have never felt that so I don't understand when someone tells me they do. But here's the thing, I don't have to understand, I just have to care. I learned a long time ago that when I am at a funeral with those who have just lost a loved one, that it's ok to not know what to say. There is nothing you can say. You can say the greatest thing in the world and their loved one will still be dead. They aren't needing people to say the right thing (and when we try we usually say the wrong thing), they are needing people. They need to not be alone. They need someone to hold to, lean on, hug, cry with, yell at, talk to, they just need someone to be there. The same is true when someone is suffering from depression. You aren't going to "talk them out of their depression" anymore than you can talk a diabetic out of low insulin production. Just let them know they are loved, let them know someone cares, let them know someone will listen and let them know you will help any way you can.
     My inspiration for this particular blog post, and the inspiration for so much of the good in my life, is my oldest. This past weekend he was one of the dozens who confessed struggles with these things. Recently he posted on social media a statement about his struggles with depression and the need for people to "get over it" and be a friend to those who are hurting. He got so much of who he is both physically and mentally from his dad, but he didn't get his courage from me. I am envious of the bravery he has shown in stepping out of the shadows and speaking up about this. He inspired me to write these words today.
     I don't think I've ever done this but I'd like to ask you for a favor. Share this article on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, whatever medium you use. Let's get this conversation started so that people who are needing help with this struggle can come out of hiding in the shadows and find love, acceptance and a support system. I know there will still be people who self medicate (drugs, alcohol, porn, etc), those who will hurt themselves, and those who will take their own lives, but God forbid it be because we let them feel too ashamed or scared to reach out. Who knows, the life you save my be your own.