At the time of this writing I haven’t seen you in a week. You don’t realize how much you depend upon smiles, laughs, and hugs from someone until you can’t have them close by. This morning I sat looking at the pictures from your two photo shoots — one with Santa and one for your first birthday — and I realized just how much I missed you. There haven’t been very many days since you were born that I haven’t seen you for at least a minute — long enough for a hug and a kiss.
You’d think I’d be well versed in waiting to see you after the week where we waited for your arrival. I spent most of the night before you were born in the chapel praying these words from the prophet Isaiah:
Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery?” says the Lord.
“Do I close up the womb when I bring to delivery?” says your God…Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete…weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.
I spent most of the night praying because I was as afraid as I’ve ever been. I was afraid I’d never get to meet you. I was afraid of what my son was facing and fearing. I was afraid you’d never get to meet your mama who crawled through hell for days to give you life. It was scary, but if I’m honest with you — and I always promise to be honest with you — life is scary, but it’s also beautiful and I was reminded of that one year ago on the morning you were born. As Keb Mo sings:
I get crazy, so afraid
That I might lose you one fine day
And I'll be nothing but a tired old man
And I don't wanna be without you at the party
So easily forgotten, the most important thing
Is that I love you, I do
And I want to spend my days and nights
Walking through this crazy world with you
Life is beautiful
Life is wonderous
Every star above is shining just for us
Life is beautiful on a stormy night
Somewhere in the world, the sun is shining bright
Sitting here a year later, looking at you, with a mind full of memories made over twelve months, those fears have faded and find themselves traced over with love and laughter. When you smile I want to cry because it is so beautiful. I tell your Honey that you have “explosive joy”. Your smile is not ear to ear or with your whole face, it’s with your whole body and it permeates through the room around you and into my heart.
The first few weeks with you were like Heaven come down to Earth. Because of your mama’s greatly injured body and a brutal winter storm, Honey and I moved in with you for a short time just to help out. As we took turns caring for you in shifts, I took the early morning watch. The highlight of my day was making coffee, sitting in the dark, pre-dawn quiet with only the Christmas tree lights to see and only the gentle Christmas music to hear, holding you while you slept. If I live to be a hundred I don’t believe I’ll ever have a more perfect moment than that. I want you to know, you are loved unconditionally and unendingly just by existing. You didn’t then, don’t now, and won’t ever have to “do” anything for this love. It was born in me the day you were born and it will never end, because “love never faileth” (1 Corinthians 13:7).
In the year since you have continued to capture my heart over and over again. I love your big, bouncing curls, the way you sign and say “More”, the way you giggle, the way you shake your hair from side to side and wag your finger when you say “Nooooooo”, the way you are so proud of yourself when you stand, the sound of you calling out “Bo!” when you want me, the way you are always able to sneak my glasses away from me and put them on your face, the way you lay your head on my chest when you are sleepy and the way you hold on to my beard when you are going to sleep. I love everything about you and I selfishly want as many years as possible just so I can continue to see who you become. Bloom my little Magnolia, bloom.
Love,
Gumbo
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