We've been told that "Big Girls Don't Cry" (Frankie Valli, or Fergi for the younger generation), and that "Boys Don't Cry" (The Cure) at all. The problem is, this simply isn't true. Everyone cries, even those who think that they don't. For starters, I doubt there has ever been a baby in the history of the world that did not enter the world crying or pick it up quite well very quickly. The average baby will spend one to three hours a day crying (though parents probably think that number is much higher). In other words, it is an entirely human, instinctive, normal thing for us to do. It's only as we grow up that we learn that we shouldn't do this thing that is as normal, natural and instinctive as sleeping, laughing and breathing. If a little boy gets hurt we are quick to tell him to stop crying and be a big boy, or don't be a cry baby and man up. If grandma consoles him instead of discouraging him many dads, uncles or grandpas are quick to chastise her for "babying" him. Right from the very early impressionable beginning we instill into his psyche that shedding tears is weak, childish and unacceptable. Twenty-five years later he will likely be sitting in marriage counseling listening to a wife complain that he holds things in and doesn't open up emotionally to her. I know this because I have counseled dozens of young, and old, married couples and this is one of the most common criticisms of wives..."he's an emotional brick wall." On the flip side it causes him to think of his wife, and women in general, as emotional basket cases who are always crying, because he's been conditioned to think crying is bad or weak. We do males a great disservice when we shame them into believing that crying and masculinity are mutually exclusive.
Collectively we have a terrible habit of defining masculinity in very narrow terms. And too often the more accurate terms for what we call masculinity would be "chauvinist", "jerk", "obnoxious", "crude", "womanizer", or "mysoginistic." And too often they exclude things like "caring", "compassionate", "tender hearted", "gentle", and "loving." Defining what is manly simply isn't simple. Truth is, men come in all varieties. You've got jocks, cowboys, farmers, soldiers, bodybuilders and outdoorsmen, that most put in the pantheon of the manly, but you've also got readers, techies, musicians, scientists, gamers, cooks, and writers, which sadly, much of society considers more effeminate, soft, nerdy, at worst, or not manly, at least.
For much of my life I struggled with not feeling like a "man's man." I don't really enjoy the outdoors, I don't hunt and fish or do a lot of "guy stuff." An ideal day for me doesn't involve sitting in a tree stand or in a boat or rebuilding an old car, but reading, and then listening to music and cooking a great meal. I do love sports, but I've noticed that most of my interests skew towards what society would label as feminine traits. I'm good with it now, mainly because I've got a gorgeous wife who likes the man I am, and I've learned that my self worth isn't dictated by what others think, but when I was younger it was hard to understand that.
Even now, in more recent years it has been a struggle to harmonize masculinity with "weaker" emotions. It's ok for a man to get angry or jealous, and maybe even scared (under the right circumstances, like war or zombie attack), but things like crying are absolutely unacceptable, unmanly and downright sissy (unless it's your mother's funeral or your team loses to their rival, in which case it is acceptable for a single tear to roll down your cheek). You think I'm kidding or exaggerating? Apparently you didn't listen to sports talk radio, read internet comments or watch ESPN panel discussions the day after Tim Tebow cried during an SEC Championship game loss or A.J. McCarron cried after a last second Alabama win at rival LSU. These guys are tougher, stronger, more competitive, macho and manly than most any of us could ever dream of being, and the national debate was if it bothered you to see them crying. To put it as politely as I can, that is stupid. I don't necessarily think all men should be crying or that it's a problem if a man doesn't cry, but generally speaking that's not a problem in our culture. I don't hear men who don't cry being mocked or taunted, "What's wrong with that guy? Is he a robot or something? What kind of weirdo doesn't express his emotions?" It should also be mentioned that my wife was even conditioned to think of her crying as a bad thing. She cries when she is happy, sad, angry, scared, pretty much whenever she feels anything strongly. For years it bothered her because she believed it bothered others, until she finally made peace with it and now simply tells people, "I'm a crier, it's who I am, it's what I do." That's true and I love her for it. Truth is, I've become somewhat of a crier myself. I told someone recently that as I've gotten older I find myself crying much easier and more often. It can be a wedding, a graduation, a funeral, a song, or even just a Super Bowl commercial and I feel the tears fill the eyes. I used to try and hide it or hold them back, but not anymore.
I know of some pretty manly men who weren't afraid to cry. Esau (who was a noted hunter by the way, Genesis 25:27; 27:38), Jacob/Israel the namesake of God's chosen people (Genesis 29:11), Joseph who endured the rejection of his brothers, served as a slave, was falsely accused of rape and imprisoned and became the second most powerful man in Egypt (Genesis 42:24), David, you know the guy who took out a giant with a slingshot and basically won every war he ever fought (1 Samuel 30:4), the apostle Peter who was a commercial fisherman (Matthew 26:75), oh and Jesus, the carpenter, the Son of God (John 11:35). Let's see, this list includes: hunters, fishermen, construction workers, farmers, soldiers and rulers and they all cried. They were men and they were tough and they cried. They cried because of happiness, fear, sadness, pain and anger. They cried because each one was humMAN. Men cry, and I cry for the same reason. And if you have a problem with that, you can cry me a river.
Collectively we have a terrible habit of defining masculinity in very narrow terms. And too often the more accurate terms for what we call masculinity would be "chauvinist", "jerk", "obnoxious", "crude", "womanizer", or "mysoginistic." And too often they exclude things like "caring", "compassionate", "tender hearted", "gentle", and "loving." Defining what is manly simply isn't simple. Truth is, men come in all varieties. You've got jocks, cowboys, farmers, soldiers, bodybuilders and outdoorsmen, that most put in the pantheon of the manly, but you've also got readers, techies, musicians, scientists, gamers, cooks, and writers, which sadly, much of society considers more effeminate, soft, nerdy, at worst, or not manly, at least.
For much of my life I struggled with not feeling like a "man's man." I don't really enjoy the outdoors, I don't hunt and fish or do a lot of "guy stuff." An ideal day for me doesn't involve sitting in a tree stand or in a boat or rebuilding an old car, but reading, and then listening to music and cooking a great meal. I do love sports, but I've noticed that most of my interests skew towards what society would label as feminine traits. I'm good with it now, mainly because I've got a gorgeous wife who likes the man I am, and I've learned that my self worth isn't dictated by what others think, but when I was younger it was hard to understand that.
Even now, in more recent years it has been a struggle to harmonize masculinity with "weaker" emotions. It's ok for a man to get angry or jealous, and maybe even scared (under the right circumstances, like war or zombie attack), but things like crying are absolutely unacceptable, unmanly and downright sissy (unless it's your mother's funeral or your team loses to their rival, in which case it is acceptable for a single tear to roll down your cheek). You think I'm kidding or exaggerating? Apparently you didn't listen to sports talk radio, read internet comments or watch ESPN panel discussions the day after Tim Tebow cried during an SEC Championship game loss or A.J. McCarron cried after a last second Alabama win at rival LSU. These guys are tougher, stronger, more competitive, macho and manly than most any of us could ever dream of being, and the national debate was if it bothered you to see them crying. To put it as politely as I can, that is stupid. I don't necessarily think all men should be crying or that it's a problem if a man doesn't cry, but generally speaking that's not a problem in our culture. I don't hear men who don't cry being mocked or taunted, "What's wrong with that guy? Is he a robot or something? What kind of weirdo doesn't express his emotions?" It should also be mentioned that my wife was even conditioned to think of her crying as a bad thing. She cries when she is happy, sad, angry, scared, pretty much whenever she feels anything strongly. For years it bothered her because she believed it bothered others, until she finally made peace with it and now simply tells people, "I'm a crier, it's who I am, it's what I do." That's true and I love her for it. Truth is, I've become somewhat of a crier myself. I told someone recently that as I've gotten older I find myself crying much easier and more often. It can be a wedding, a graduation, a funeral, a song, or even just a Super Bowl commercial and I feel the tears fill the eyes. I used to try and hide it or hold them back, but not anymore.
I know of some pretty manly men who weren't afraid to cry. Esau (who was a noted hunter by the way, Genesis 25:27; 27:38), Jacob/Israel the namesake of God's chosen people (Genesis 29:11), Joseph who endured the rejection of his brothers, served as a slave, was falsely accused of rape and imprisoned and became the second most powerful man in Egypt (Genesis 42:24), David, you know the guy who took out a giant with a slingshot and basically won every war he ever fought (1 Samuel 30:4), the apostle Peter who was a commercial fisherman (Matthew 26:75), oh and Jesus, the carpenter, the Son of God (John 11:35). Let's see, this list includes: hunters, fishermen, construction workers, farmers, soldiers and rulers and they all cried. They were men and they were tough and they cried. They cried because of happiness, fear, sadness, pain and anger. They cried because each one was humMAN. Men cry, and I cry for the same reason. And if you have a problem with that, you can cry me a river.
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