Hardest Parts of Marriage: When You Disagree

Day 133 (Written Monday April 23) ~ When decisions need to be made in a marriage there are three possible scenarios: #1 - You both agree with one another; #2 - One of the two of you doesn’t care what the decision is; #3 - You disagree with one another on what the decision is. #1 and #2 are smooth sailing, but navigating #3 is like having a row boat in a hurricane. Rest assured, there will be plenty of times when you disagree. Sometimes it will be over little things like what to do with the extra $50 you have (save it or spend it), where to go on vacation (mountains or the beach), what to do with junk you don’t want/need (trash it or have a yard sale)? However, when you find yourselves disagreeing, little things aren’t so little anymore. Other times you will disagree over big stuff. How do we discipline our children (ground them, spank them, lecture them), what do we do about housing (buy or rent), what about our jobs (will the wife work outside the home or at home)? You know how in movies when two people fall in love they depict it by showing fireworks exploding? Well, when two people who are in love disagree on these big issues, different kinds of fireworks can go off. Here are a few tips that might help you navigate the minefield of disagreeing, or at least keep your marriage from blowing up. #1 - Remember you are both on the same team. In a football game the team on offense can score by running the ball or passing it, but no one will score if they can’t decide how to score or if everyone is out for themselves. It takes a team working together to cross the goal line and when they do, however they do, they all score. Remember the two of you are actually one. If one succeeds, you both succeed. When you find yourself trying to “win” you are definitely going to lose, even if you win the argument. If you decide to go with your spouses decision, go with it fully, not reluctantly or waiting for it to fail so that you can say, “See I told you so.” Go to battle, make your point, defend your reason, reach a consensus and then move forward together, whether it is a success or failure. #2 - Remember your spouse has a valid point of view, even if it is different than yours. It is always a struggle to acknowledge that our way isn’t the right way or the only way. By nature we believe the way we do things is right, otherwise we would do it differently. There are some areas where there can only be one right answer (2 + 2 = 4, not anything else; there is one God, Ephesians 4:4-6, not many), but there are many others where there is no “right” answer (cucumbers are delicious, cucumbers are gross; pink walls are pretty, pink walls look like Pepto Bismal). Carefully consider if the difference is a matter of right/wrong or simply opinion. If it is a matter of right and wrong, lovingly and respectfully seek to educate the other person rather than taking an “I’m right and you’re wrong” approach. If it is a matter of opinion, ask yourself, is my opinion more important to me than my spouses feelings? #3 - Remember your spouses different perspective can be a good thing. There is a reason the old saying “Two heads are better than one” is an old saying....because it’s true. The Bible says it this way, “in the multitude of counselors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14). Because men and women are different they are capable of seeing the same thing from very different perspectives. Men tend to be more adept at basic problem solving skills, while women usually are more attuned to more subtle details. Dad is usually good at assembling bicycles or Barbie Dreamhouses on Christmas Eve, while mom can detect the different shades of white, such as ivory, vanilla, eggshell, chalk and plain old white. To most men, its either white or it ain’t. Point being: your spouse can often see things you simply cannot see and can help you have a more complete understanding. I actually asked Jade to help contribute to me writing this blog, but we decided not to collaborate since we couldn’t agree on how to solve the problem of disagreeing with your spouse. Her suggestion was, “Remember, she is always right.” But I don’t agree ;)