Day 106 (Written Tuesday March 27) ~ Talking comes naturally, and for most of us, effortlessly, but communication on the other hand, is a bit trickier. We don’t even have to use words to communicate. Before little babies learn to speak, they learn to communicate. By pointing, grunting, squealing, crying and gesturing, they are able to communicate their needs and wants to their parents. Since we’ve been communicating practically from birth, you’d think communication would be second nature to us. Wrong! Miscommunication is pretty simple, at least it seems to be since we find ourselves doing it so much.
For 15 years I performed wedding ceremonies, pre-marital counseling, post-marital counseling and just plain old marriage counseling. I am not a trained professional, but it seems that when you are a preacher, people often come to you for help in their most desperate hours. I have spent time with over a hundred couples through the years, from all different stages/phases of their marriage, and I have been married for nearly 18 years now myself. During this time I have been witness to, and participant in, many of the problems that make marriage difficult, and believe me it is difficult. It is wonderful, but it isn’t easy. When you marry you are agreeing to leave father and mother, deny self, put another first and join together in every way for the rest of your life. Your cell phone contract is only for two years and if it goes bad before then you can always buy your way out of the agreement. Not so with marriage. It is a lifetime commitment, period. That means you need to read the fine print, make sure you can pay the price and be willing to honor your commitment before entering in.
Back to miscommunication. I love my wife as much as I know how to love her. (I say as much as I know how because I have learned how to better love her over the course of 18 years and I imagine if I am blessed with 18 more I will learn more). My love for her is not the issue, my ability to communicate with her, and her with me, is the source of many problems. How many of you have had an argument over something you swore you told your spouse, and they swore just as emphatically that you did not? I don’t know who, but somebody is right and somebody is wrong, yet miscommunication is the culprit. Or perhaps you did tell them, but they did not understand what you meant. Maybe you knew what you meant, made reference to it, and assumed that since they know you so well, they would know what you meant. Perhaps you just expect your partner to be able to read your mind or your body language or to just know you well enough that you shouldn’t have to tell them. Regardless of the details, miscommunication is the problem.
We often miscommunicate because we use the wrong tone of voice (if you are shouting you probably aren’t communicating, at least not what you want to be communicating). Have you ever heard the expression, “You can be right, but wrong at the top of your lungs”? If you’re shouting, stop, take five and try saying it a different way. Sometimes it is because we use the wrong words or the word we use is mistaken for a different meaning word (right, write, wright, rite; are, hour, our; buy, by, bye). If you mean one thing, but I think you are meaning something else, uh oh, trouble ahead. Often this is caused by assumptions. I assume you know what I mean/think/feel, so I take shortcuts on my communication and then get mad at you for misunderstanding or getting it wrong. Jade and I are known to say, “Say that a different way” when our conversation is getting us nowhere, except frustrated. How many times have you gotten frustrated because you told your spouse you were ready to go, only to have them linger for another 15 minutes? Perhaps you meant “I want to leave immediately”, whereas, they assumed you meant, “Let’s start making preparations to leave.”
Another cause for miscommunication is simply mood. If I am angry at a co-worker, I am much more likely to misinterpret what you say as a hostile attack or to send out hostility in my communication. The only remedy for this is to remember who it is that has upset you. Here’s a hint: it’s not the one you are being mean to in your living room. If you are looking for a fight, you will find it. Don’t assume every criticism is a personal attack. Don’t feel that a different point of view is an accusation. Remember, this person has pledged their undying love and commitment to you, chances are, better communication can help to heal your hurting marriage. I hope I made myself clear.
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