You never know when the lightning bolt will hit you. That moment of inspiration and reflection — call it epiphany or enlightenment — that brings things into focus in a way you haven’t seen them before. I’ve been struck by this bolt many times through the years, but one of the more recent came on a simple work day while listening to the archived “Sunday Gospel Show” from the WWOZ app. Because of my schedule on Sunday mornings, I don’t have time to listen to the entire broadcast live, so I’ve started pulling it up from the archives and listening at work. It has become a highlight of my week. The DJ fills the time slot with spiritual music from all genres and eras, largely from New Orleans connected artists, but not exclusively.
Recently I was listening when she played “I’m Getting Better All The Time” by The Blind Boys of Alabama. I’ve loved TBBA for a long time, but I finally got to see them live — front row center at the Single Lock Records 10th anniversary show at The Shoals Theater — a couple of years ago. They are even better live than on the record. “I’m Getting Better All The Time” was a song I hadn’t heard before, but I’ll be listening to the rest of my life. The lyrics are:
I don’t claim to be perfect, I don’t claim to be so true
But I gave my heart to Jesus
That’s all I need to do
Maybe you saw me when I fell to my knees
I got up with a made up mind
I’m not what I oughta be, but I’m better than I used to be
Cause I’m getting better all the time
In the span of a 6:57 song, I took a journey that sent me back in time 30 years, where a 20 year old boy, a newly made husband and father, sat on the steps in the flaming wreckage that was his life, crying, praying, raging, begging God for help. It was — at that time — the lowest point of my life. Here” is what a 50 year old man knows as fact that a 20 year old boy could only hope in faith. “In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears". Psalm 18:6
Listening to the words of this song, reflecting on the truth of this scripture and looking back over the ensuing 30 year journey, I imagined what I might say to that boy if I could sit on the steps beside him on that night. I think I would tell him, “I know you are hurting so badly right now. I know you’re afraid and angry and feeling hopelessly lost in misery, but you just made a decision that is going to change your life. You can’t even begin to fathom the profoundness of what you just did. It’s going to take you thirty years to really begin to understand that. For now, you don’t need to understand it, you just need to keep doing what you are doing and keep moving forward. You are going to get knocked down many times and it is going to hurt, but you just keep getting back up and moving forward. You won’t have all the answers, you won’t need all the answers, you just need to keep moving forward. The answers will come. Some won’t, but many will and you will get them when you’re capable of comprehending them. You are going to make it. You are going to be ok. Better than ok. You’re going to be blessed beyond measure.”
“I’m not going to lie to you, you have horrific pain ahead of you. Pain that is as bad as what you are feeling now, but you will get through that too, in part because you are going to get through this. This pain will strengthen you and teach you and give you what you need to endure the later pain. It won’t make it easier, but it will enable you. One day, far from now, you are going to get off work and go sit by the creek — just over the ridge from where you are now — and watch with pure joy and contentment as your grandson splashes in the water and throws rocks in the creek that you played in as a child — and your daddy before you and your sons after you — and you will be at perfect peace. One day, far from now, you’re going to spend a lazy Saturday in a recliner, drifting in and out of sleep while your granddaughter naps on your chest and it’s going to feel so good that it heals all those wounded places and makes the pain hard to remember, like a nightmare that fades the longer you are awake. One day, far from now, you’re going to cry, but not in pain, from joy, when you hear your youngest granddaughter call you ‘Gumbo’ for the first time.”
“I know this all seems impossible, unattainable right now, but it’s not. If you will just continue to take one step forward each day it will be inevitable. This path leads to light and life and they will grow brighter and more vivid with each step. Get up, dry your tears, say you are sorry, stop numbing yourself from the pain and start dealing with the causes of it. It will hurt you so badly to do this, but you aren’t being injured, you are being healed. Think of it as physical therapy, but for the soul instead of the body. The pain is part of the healing. Let it do its work until it stops being rehabilitation for old wounds and starts being strength training and endurance building. Just don’t quit, I promise you, you won’t regret it and it will get better all the time.
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