The Big L

 

Not the big L as in big loser, but as in the Roman numeral for 50 - L. Today is the day, at long last. I started preparing for this day several months ago. I knew I wanted to do something special for today, but not in the traditional sense. No bucket list trips, no big ticket item purchases, no huge parties. From the outside today probably looks boring at best and perhaps sad at worst, but I assure you, it is a little slice of heaven. So how am I spending such a historic milestone?

My alarm went off at 6:00 this morning and I quickly showered, dressed and left the house. My first stop was the local coffee shop where I grabbed a house special and a table by the front window overlooking courthouse square. Within minutes I had my laptop open and started writing thank you notes to friends far and near who sent short videos wishing me happy birthday, while sharing thoughts and memories of our times together. (If you sent a video but haven't received a note, give me some time, I'm working on them, I'll get it to you I promise).

A couple of hours later I loaded up my backpack and started walking the streets of my hometown. Fortunately, today is an especially beautiful, sunny, if not cold, December day — which is rare for winter in southern middle Tennessee -- my first gift of the day. I had an appointment at 9:00, but on the way I met a man named Jeff who floats around our town, sleeping and eating where he can. For a decade or so I’ve been blessed to meet a number of folks like Jeff. Their lives are far from traditional, but no less valuable, and often quite remarkable. I do not desire to trade stations with them in life, but we could all do well to adopt the postures of their hearts: humility, gratitude, generosity, kindness, friendliness, faith. After our conversation he gave me a big hug and we were both on our way.

My next stop was to spend some time with a kindred spirit, and new friend. His words of encouragement and generosity, along with his time and listening ear, were gifts in themselves. I shared with him my faith journey thus far, and the trajectory of the path I believe God has shown me going forward — which I will share at the end. As an added bonus I got to enjoy the warmth, beauty, and inspiration of a very sacred space where one can’t help but felt drawn to God.

From there I walked a few blocks to a local restaurant I rarely get to visit and enjoyed a good lunch in an environment that is built for cold winter days. From there I walked over to another restaurant — by far our most unique in architecture and every other way — for my favorite Abita Root Beer, and on tap at that, with a piece of cheesecake. Don’t judge, it’s my 50th birthday and I’d rather die while I’m living than live while I’m dead. Decades ago this restaurant was a flower shop and a home, and I spent many mornings before school in the rooms upstairs with a house full of my cousins and almost cousins (another story for another day), warming by radiant heaters. Spaces like this are a sort of “thin place” in the fabric of space time that enable us to draw near to old memories in a way that reminds us the past is still alive.

On the walk to the restaurant an old friend called out to me and introduced me to his little daughter, whose smile made her look just like her grandmother. From there I was on the road again, back to the coffee shop for an afternoon coffee, which somehow hits different from the first cup of the day. The morning coffee is a necessity for waking up and getting going, but the afternoon coffee is pure indulgence. The icing on the cake, pardon the pun, is that my dad called to tell me I won the birthday dozen doughnut giveaway on the local radio station and got a free 6 piece nugget from McDonald’s. Y’all know i loooovvveeee me some free food.

After returning a few texts from well wishers and FaceTime calls from my grandchildren, it was time to settle in at the coffee shop and do some long overdue writing. Anyone who writes will tell you that having thoughts you need to commit to paper, but not the opportunity to do it, is akin to having an itch you cannot scratch or a sneeze that just won’t happen. It drives you crazy until you can finally get some release, which I am doing literally as I type.

Here is where I deviate from travel blog to what the big L means to me. I’ve spent so much time walking the streets of so many cities, viewing them from the street level as a visitor. Floating on the breeze from place to place, viewing the architecture, walking into a restaurant as you pass by, taking in the sights and sounds as they present themselves. No place in particular to go, no schedule, and no plan. Just life in the moment. Today I did something I just don’t ever get to do — experience my own hometown as if I was a tourist, and you know what? I fell in love with it all over again because I saw it from a perspective I haven’t before. With this new perspective has come a renewed sense of hope and excitement, which is precisely what I needed to gain the momentum to enter this new journey.

In the Hebrew Scriptures, every 50th year was to be a holy year — the Jubilee. The word jubilee just meant “ram’s horn” or “trumpet” as in the shofar that was blown to announce the arrival of this year of release, debt forgiveness, restoration, rest, and freedom. I’ve spent much of this year studying and compiling understanding about the Jubilee, with the intention of letting today be the day I began to live Jubilee. For Advent, I’ve been dialing up the intensity in preparation for being real and being intentional in my practices this year. To borrow a line from the Jason Isbell song — written for the 2018 remake of the movie “A Star Is Born”:

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

It takes a lot to change a man

Hell, it takes a lot to try

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

I don’t think I could name one person that I would call an enemy, and I don’t think anyone would call me one either, but I do still harbor some hurt, some anger, some disappointment, but it’s time to put down the things that only weigh me down for the journey ahead. This morning I was listening to — the ever philosophical and often surprisingly theological — Nahko and Medicine for the People, and I heard the lyrics of “Budding Trees” as a sort of prayer, poem, mantra.

In the moon of the budding trees

I was gifted new eyes to see

All of the shifting shape and ways you can be

Wake the dreams into realities

Wake the dreams into realities

Plate is full but appetite has dwindled

I feel a little sick so I keep the fire kindled

You, the pillar, steadfast light of bravery

And I, the dimly burning candle still shaking

Riddled fear, quiver my bones so easy

Well, you're the guru now so visualize healing

Yeah, you're the guru now so visualize leaving

Let her go, for she can no longer feed you

And many children need that mana creature

Just barely missed you, I was finally ready

But you are long gone, too much heavy history

Yeah, you are a long gone, too much heavy history

Let go of blame, that shit will never serve me*

Bless other men, investigate your mystery

A little spider weaves a wispy web

And stumbling through the woods, it catches to my head

She crawls behind my ear and whispers secrets

Dragonfly wiz by and sings "now teach it"

Yeah, dragonfly wiz by and sings "now teach it"

So, tap me out and tap me into you

Heal my brain and my body too

Balance my chemistry, hydrate these cells

Cause the body talks and meditation helps

The body talks and meditation helps

It’s time to stop dwelling on the past and its time to start building the future and the kingdom is made of the freedom that is grace, forgiveness, restoration, generosity, and rest. First thing this morning God provided an opportunity for jubilee through freedom in my schedule and a place for generosity, then another to read the Bible and pray in a most beautiful sanctuary while stained glass portrayals of the story of the life of Jesus watched over like guardian angels. Even the background music in the places that I’ve been seemed to be speaking to me like a cheering section urging me forward on what I know will not always be an easy path. As I type these words the lyrics from the coffee shop stereo seem to echo the journey of the day as The Mama’s and the Papa’s sing: 

I've been for a walk (I've been for a walk)

On a winter's day (on a winter's day)

Stopped into a church

I passed along the way

Well, I got down on my knees (got down on my knees)

And I pretend to pray (I pretend to pray)

Only I didn’t pretend. I prayed as sincerely as I know how to do. Lord bless this journey. Lord illuminate my path. Lord strengthen me when I grow weak and want to turn back, and Lord come find me and carry me back if I do. I want you to know that I prayed for you this morning too. I prayed that the things I’ve seen and learned, and experienced, that God would send me to those who are seeking them and searching for them. Along my journey I’ve encountered others who knew the way ahead and pointed me in that direction. I haven’t always listened to them in those moments, but at least I left their presence knowing the way, and when I was ready, I could now find my way. 

Today has been such a powerful reminder that “I am with you. Always.” In commenting on Moses encountering God in the burning bush, Brian Zahnd wisely pointed out, “Every bush, every tree, every bird, every blade of grass, and every grain of sand is aflame with the glory of Christ. But if we rush through life in a mad dash and in a spiritual stupor, we miss it all.” The Advent devotional I’m teaching Sunday morning includes words of a similar theme, also from Zahnd, “Unless we intentionally cultivate some contemplative slowness in our soul, it doesn’t matter if God acts, because we will most likely miss it. When God entered history definitively in Christ, a lot of people who should have perceived it and rejoiced, missed what God was doing or even resisted it.” Today was medicine for the soul in the form of stillness, a slow pace, and quietness. 

“Be still and know that I am God.”

*If the use of this word shocks you, learn Greek, read Philippians, clutch your pearls and move on. If Paul can use it, so can I ;)