Honey and I share our lives pretty openly on our social media, for better or worse and for a variety of reasons. One reason is because we both have benefitted greatly from the honesty others have shown in giving a glimpse into their lives. At some of our lowest times of despair, just knowing we weren’t alone in our struggles, that others we knew, loved and respected had or were going through similar things, was a lifeline that kept our heads above water. Because of that, we’ve elected to share our lives in hopes that somebody else could be helped, and we know it has because they’ve told us.
We like to share the good because good news is always better when shared. It’s like amplifying the joy. Honey is great at doing that and at being a cheerleader of the things you share….me, not so much, but I am working on that, I promise. I’ve actually “Liked” a few things and left a few comments lately. Baby steps.
We also share the bad days (maybe not on the bad days because we need room to process, but eventually) because we never want to give a false impression of “perfection” (whatever that even means). We have zero interest in a fabricated, cultivated, staged Instagram image. I feel so strongly about this that I literally did a session called “Instagram Isn’t Real” at the Great Smoky Mountain Marriage Retreat a few years ago.
Recently I had a bad day, three actually. The reasons and details are not important to this conversation, just know, I was just so emotionally done and I didn’t really want to hear anything anyone had to say. I was in a bad place and I wanted to be left alone there. I just wanted everyone to go away. I wanted to go away. It happens. As Michael Franti sings, “Life is amazing, then it sucks, then its amazing again.”
Sometimes everybody blows up
Got a person in your life that you know ya love
Yeah, you say somethin' that you shouldn't of, shouldn't of
And realize later you're a jerk
Oh then you open up your eyes and apologize and
Party with em til the sun rises
Throw your hands in the sky then
Realize everythin' is gonna be alright
Fifteen years ago days like this would have turned into something bigger and messier that would have taken longer to get back on track and likely left us with a few scars. Somewhere along the way we figured out how to talk about it on days like this and figure out a plan instead of just getting in a fight. Honey sat me down and said tell me what’s wrong, what you need, and how I can help. 75% of it was I just needed to vent, complain, and say out loud all the garbage that was stinking up my thinking. It wasn't aimed at Honey, she just gave me space to let it come flooding out and then helped me to mop it all up. A couple of days restructuring our schedules, and a half day spent at the coffee shop letting me write what I feel, and the sun was shining in my soul again. As you might imagine, there’s a John Prine song that pretty much sums up how we got through the rough years and the rough days, and find ourselves sitting on a rainbow — which you don’t get without rain first.
In spite of ourselves
We'll end up a'sittin' on a rainbow
Against all odds Honey, we're the big door prize
We're gonna spite our noses Right off of our faces
There won't be nothin' but big old hearts
Dancin' in our eyes.
In the years when we had a struggling marriage, I doubt I could have believed we could have a strong marriage, but here we are, in spite of ourselves. Actually, that's not true, John. As much as I love your song, we didn't get here in spite of ourselves. We got here because of ourselves. We learned to stop pointing fingers at problems and started joining hands in them. We learned to stop being selfish. We learned to communicate. There was no quick fix or simple solution. Going to a marriage retreat, reading a book, listening to a podcast, going to counseling didn't solve everything, or anything for that matter. Don't get me wrong, all of those things helped tremendously because they gave us the tools, education, and encouragement to equip us for the work, but in the end, we had to put in the work. You can hang out all day at the gym but unless you get on those machines you aren't going to get healthy just by being there. It's always hard, and it can get messy, but it's absolutely worth it.
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