Today is Mardi Gras, one of my favorite days of the year, so it’s fitting that it began next to you, one of my favorite people in the world. Last night you stole my heart for the thousandth time when I said, “Come on Rougaroux” and you replied by howling at the moon. After something as adorable and heartwarming as seeing you claim my nickname for you as your own, how could I possibly say no to your request, “Gumbo can I stay at you house?” This morning I laid in bed for an hour thinking about you. You spent the night with me and honey, just for fun, for the first time last night. I woke up before dawn and you were tucked in next to me under my arm. It was one of those moments we say we wish could last forever. For those few moments in the pre dawn darkness, everything was right and good. All the fears and frustrations scattered like blackbirds when you walk through a field. I thought of how I hope you will always be able to find the kind of peace you had while you were sleeping between two people who love you without reservation, hesitation, or end. I know you won’t always feel that peace, life will do all it can to take it away from you, but I hope in moments like this, from our love, landmarks are arising in your heart so that you will always have a map back to this peace and safety.
I thought about how you are the person who transformed me from just a “daddy” to also a “Grandaddy”, the same way your father changed me from just Brandon to “daddy” thirty years ago. But you changed me in more ways than just title or designation. The gift you brought me that I never expected was rediscovering the beauty and wonder of the world through your eyes. When you came along life had done its damage and taken its toll. The colors had faded and the edges were frayed, but you brought the magic back to the world.
Tonight I stood in a crowded room at a concert listening to a musician named Trevor Hall speak about how the birth of his son forever altered him in ways that are difficult to describe. How a love like that can make things disappear that once caused so much heaviness; how love like that can release knots that imprison us. I listened and thought of you and wept tears of joy and gratitude.
I love that you are everything they mean when they use the expression “all boy”. You are untamed and curious and fearless. Never let them take that away from you. Sure, little boys have to be tamed and learn to be civilized to function in civilization, but don’t lose your instincts. Take a lesson from our black lab Levi. He’s smart and gentle and housebroken, but just watch him when we turn him out on the farm. In an instant he races through the fields and streams and you can glimpse the ancestral wolf that is still in him. For months my nickname for you was going to be Tujague, but once I finally saw you I called you Rougaroux. Watching you fight to breathe and grow, I knew you had to have the heart and determination of a wolf to survive. Three years later, despite your small stature, life explodes from every pore in your body. You are stubborn and resourceful, determined but loving and tender. In time you will learn to harness all of these qualities so that they become your strengths and I will do my best to help you. I will teach you everything I know and I will give you everything I have.
Trevor Hall “All From Loving You” lyrics
The very sight of you
Changes chemistry
All my molecules play in harmony
Singing songs about
How I'm joyful now
I was in a cloud
Now the sun is out
All from loving, loving you
All from loving, loving you
What really can I say
It's a miracle
Call it what you will
Call it spiritual
Call it going blind
Really I don't mind
I am happy now
I've been doing fine
All from loving, loving you
All from loving, loving you
I just can't express
I've been choking up
So mysterious are the ways of love
Just like stars above
You keep shining on
I have changed my ways
Got a different song
All from loving, loving you
All from loving, loving you
All from loving, loving you
All from loving, loving you
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