Fair Fight

Day 93 (Written Wednesday March 14) ~ Married people fight. Dating people fight. Engaged people fight. If you think your relationship is dysfunctional or a failure because you fight, you need to back up and reread the previous sentence. People fight and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Here are the things you need to understand about the difference between healthy, normal fighting, and destructive, dangerous fighting. Whether you are talking about boxing, mixed martial arts or wrestling (all sports that involve fighting), there are rules that the participants must follow. You can’t punch below the belt, you can’t gouge eyes and you can’t bite (Mike Tyson) or you will be disqualified. Even if you are the better fighter, if you don’t fight according to the rules, you cannot win. Even Fight Club had rules (but I can’t talk about them). When you fight with a person you have a relationship with, you have to learn to fight fair, within the rules, or else your grievances are disqualified, even if you’re right. Here are a few rules that you need to obey when a fight arises.
Rule #1 ~ Never use violence. May I repeat, never use violence. Did you get that? Never use violence. The moment you do, you lose the argument, and perhaps much more than that. You may lose your freedom, respect, and your relationship. One of the things that separates us from animals, or at least it is supposed to, is our ability to reason and solve conflicts without resorting to violence. If you find yourself tempted to use violence to make your point then you need to remove yourself from the situation immediately. Let’s be honest though, we don’t resort to violence to make a point, but to make us feel better by lashing out and releasing emotion. Too many people excuse bad behavior by saying, “I can’t help myself” or “This is just how I am” or “You pushed me too far”, but these are hollow excuses. We can control ourselves (would you use violence if you were dealing with a police man?), if that is how you are you can change and it is not the other persons responsibility to ensure that I am not pushed too far. You can’t fight fair or healthy when violence is introduced.
Rule #2 ~ Don’t call names or insult. Little kids call names, not adults. If I cannot disagree with you, even in a heated fashion, without personally attacking you or calling you names, it simply reveals my own immaturity. When personal attacks are introduced, the real problem is now set aside and a new problem has been introduced. A person might tell a lie, but does that make them a liar? A person can do something dumb, but not be a dummy. When things turn personal, the problem that started it all (and needs to be dealt with to put an end to all of this), gets pushed to the side. Too often we spend the next few hours arguing about the insults rather than the problem, and once we get tired of fighting someone apologizes and we make up, BUT WE’VE NEVER DEALT WITH THE ORIGINAL PROBLEM. Guess what will rear its ugly head again in the not so distant future?
Rule #3 ~ Remember that feelings don’t always make sense. So many of my fights have come as a result of misunderstandings. A person feels like I ignored them, disrespected them or don’t care about them. These things may not be true, or they may be true but unintentional, but to that person they feel real. If I feel disrespected by you, even if you didn’t intend to do it or even realize you’ve done it, I still FEEL disrespected and that causes a problem. The worst mistake you can make at this point is to tell me I shouldn’t feel this way (or worse yet, insult me by telling me it’s stupid to feel that way). Maybe I shouldn’t feel this way, but simply telling me that isn’t going to change how I feel, but information might. If you take the time to ask why I feel disrespected you might learn something that can solve the problem or I might learn that I misinterpreted your actions or words. In an argument you have to learn to focus on the facts (what you know), rather than your feelings (what you think).
Rule #4 ~ Have a time limit. Boxing matches consist of fifteen, three minute rounds. In other words, there is a time limit. If there wasn’t, the two guys would likely beat each other to death. When you fight with the people you love there needs to be a limit as to how long you keep it going. If after a reasonable amount of time you haven’t been able to get to the real problem and find a solution, then perhaps you need a break from it. You could possibly consult someone else for advice. Try something else, just don’t keep beating one another up endlessly. It may just be the case that you have to agree to disagree on this point. One of the greatest motivators for this rule is the knowledge that the sooner you finish the fight, the quicker you can start making up.